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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Burn Baby Burn!

Zacharias Moussaui is eligible to receive the only worldly justice that fits his crimes. The jury has decided he is eligible for the death penalty.

Considering that his actions enabled the worst mass murder in American history to be carried out I have decided to propose some alternative means of executing him that are more suited to man of his distinction than mere lethal injection. I also suggest that all of the following be televised live on pay-per-view.

Be aware that this is not a serious post, and that everything I am going to suggest violates our Constitutional protection against cruel and unusual punishment.

1: Burn him at the stake. (Hey, how many people were burned to death in the twin towers?)

2: Lock him a sealed room filled with 1,000 starving rats.

3: Saw his head off with a butter knife.

4: Seal off a minefield and force him to traverse it until he finally blows himself up. Take bets on how long he lasts.

5: Toss him a pool filled with hungry piranha.

6: Cut him to pieces on body part at a time, starting with the removal of body parts that won’t kill him, like the eyes, nose, ears, fingers, and toes. Be sure to cauterize them with a red hot iron to keep him from bleeding to death.

8: Have him drawn and quartered.

9: Put him in a pit and let everyone who lost a loved a loved one on 9/11 to throw a rock at him.

10: Tie him to the spokes of a large wheel. Sink the lower 1/3 of that wheel in water. Spin it until he gets so worn out he drowns.

11: Tie him to the bumper of a car and drag him.

12: Keelhaul him . . . twice.

13: Tie him up and give him lashes with a bullwhip until he dies.

14: Skin him alive.

14: Back on whips, we could flay him to death with a cat o nine tails.
15: Force him to drink Draino.

16: Sew his eyes open, tie him to a rack, and lay him out in the Arizona sun until he is dead. Leave him there. Do not bury him. The animals will dispose of his corpse.

17: Give him a full blood transfusion using pig’s blood. (Pig blood contamination is supposed to prevent a Muslim from entering paradise.)

18: Come to think of it, inject him with pig’s blood no matter how we kill him.

19: Also, when he is dead, cremate his body. This is another Muslim taboo that supposedly messes with eternity.

20: This does not matter for Mousaui, but we could take so much of the fight out of the insurgents in Iraq if we just started coating our bullets with pig’s blood. It would steal the will to fight from the martyr wannabes because getting shot with one of those bullets would, according to their beliefs, stop them from entering paradise and getting their 72 virgins.

Well, that felt good.

5 Comments:

  • heheh.. the 72 virgins all look like and are the same age as Helen Thomas.

    Want to be steamed? Check out this cartoon from the latest edition of Rolling Stone.

    Roger

    By Blogger The Catskill Chronicle, at 10:04 AM  

  • great ideas, all!!

    By Blogger Libby, at 9:56 AM  

  • I think we should lock him in a room with the family members and the victims of 9-11 and let them decide.

    Someone should tell this lunatic that if he wants leniency he should stop yelling "I will kill you all!" at the jurors...

    But of course, we don't want him to get leniency.

    By Blogger Rebekah, at 10:45 AM  

  • I was trying to think which one would be best, can't he have them all????

    By Blogger Jenn of the Jungle, at 11:39 AM  

  • 1: Burn him at the stake. (Hey, how many people were burned to death in the twin towers?)

    I'd advise against any Christians doing this, really. Alot of baggage there.

    2: Lock him a sealed room filled with 1,000 starving rats.

    Don't punish the rats.

    4: Seal off a minefield and force him to traverse it until he finally blows himself up. Take bets on how long he lasts.

    Actually rather creative. My moral parsimony approves of this one.

    5: Toss him a pool filled with hungry piranha.

    Again, don't punish the fishies. Do they really have to be hungry? Isn't that just what they do?

    9: Put him in a pit and let everyone who lost a loved a loved one on 9/11 to throw a rock at him.

    No, you put them in the pit up to their neck, then fill it in and let people throw rocks at them. I've seen videos on the internet. I'd leave it up to the experts, getting creative here would probably just lead to more problems.

    10: Tie him to the spokes of a large wheel. Sink the lower 1/3 of that wheel in water. Spin it until he gets so worn out he drowns.

    That sounds a bit too inquisition-y. I'd again adivse Christians from doing that sort of thing.

    11: Tie him to the bumper of a car and drag him.

    No, silly, that's how you kill GAY people.

    12: Keelhaul him . . . twice.

    That's not deady (when done right), last I checked.

    14: Skin him alive.

    So long as you don't make a lamp out of it...

    15: Force him to drink Draino.

    Probably too fast.

    16: Sew his eyes open, tie him to a rack, and lay him out in the Arizona sun until he is dead. Leave him there. Do not bury him. The animals will dispose of his corpse.

    Not really so sure that's embarassing from a Muslim perspective. I don't know if that's what you were shooting for there. That's an awful lot like the Zoroastrian burial (well, not really a burial) practices.

    Well, that felt good.

    Yeah, it does. Doing things like this often serve to remind me and that's why I'm not allowed to make these sorts of decisions.

    By Anonymous Todd Sayre, at 3:41 PM  

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